My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
