Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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