Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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