At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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