We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
