I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
