You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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