ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Where is the hickey?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
