someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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