I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
