Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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