I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
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You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
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The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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