I wish I could teleport
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You took a bar mat shot.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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