Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
