I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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