Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize