I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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