I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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