the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
