She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
