I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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