Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
