peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
