just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
