I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
