Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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