wanna go halves on a baby?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
she peed on how many people?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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