I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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