What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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