If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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