Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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