a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
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