I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
