i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
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She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
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Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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