Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
