Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
do herpes really smell.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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