my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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