my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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