I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
