I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
