I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
