I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
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im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
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I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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