apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
