4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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