If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
