Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
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you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
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When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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