I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
