don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My ATM looks so different sober.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
