Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Blood and glitter go together right?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
