thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Couch. On fire.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
