i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
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