All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
