seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
