Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
