Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
