i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
