god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
