FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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