I love black thongs
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
