I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
