I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
