I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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